February 1998
THE STORY OF THE CRIMINAL AND THE FUGITIVE
This story concerns Timo (that's me, the author of this story) and Gato (until recently, our Chief of Security) and is a good illustration of what dealing with bureaucrats is all about.
This
man Timo is absolutely a hardened criminal; he has been known to cook
meat rare, to use raw eggs and even to smoke cigars and cigarettes! Now
he is facing charges of harboring the fugitive shown with him in this
picture (his name is Gato - he does not speak Spanish, so to him this
is a proper name). Here is the story:
This month, the Health Department official who has been checking Timo's for about the last three years came by to carry out one of his periodic routine inspections (three or four times a year). This time he found Gato, who was hired sometime in 1996 and resided on the premises since then; he directed us to remove the cat from the premises, thus changing his status to that of a fugitive. A few days later, after he observed Gato through a window still in the premises, we received a citation and summons to a hearing, which I attended the day after I relocated Gato to my house, thereby complying with the order.
We know there are rodents in all urban areas, especially in old buildings and more so if there is a park next door, where field mice appear when the weather turns warm. This is what I presented to the referee and other health officials regarding my crime:
The normal, universally accepted - and legal - scenario in virtually all restaurants is SCENARIO 1:
An
inspector finds mouse or rat droppings and instructs you to take corrective
action, usually implemented with the help of your pest control operator.
Invariably this means:
plug any holes in walls and floors;
seal gaps between all doors that open to the street and the ground;
place x number of traps in strategic places;
spread poison everywhere, including areas where foods are stored.
Of course, the rodents don't read the inspector's report, so they enter your premises when a door is open temporarily, say to receive goods or to take out the garbage. Or they just enter from under your building. Etc., etc.
Rats
acquire tastes for things around them. So they quality control the potatoes,
the tomatoes, the flour.... Some get nailed by a trap, which you discard
and replace with a new one.
Sometimes it subsides (weather has a lot to do with it), but it never goes away permanently. The inspector commends you if fewer droppings are found than the previous time; if not, you get a couple of weeks before another inspection. And it goes on and on.
I
thought there must be a better way, so I consulted with fellow restaurateurs
(you won't believe how many of them are also criminals). As a result,
I hired Gato - I got him from the SPCA for $29, already spayed, vaccinated,
licensed and with a 30 day warranty.
And this is how we implemented SCENARIO 2:
During service, Gato's quarters were my office; before service while everything was being set up he went to the park or the roof and did his thing. And overnight, when the place was empty and locked up, he patrolled. At least once a month I took Gato for a dip. This not only kept him free of fleas, but made him want to come back to his job. Every six months Gato took a two to three week vacation at my house, then returned to the job.
Until
the bust in February '98, not a single trace of a rodent was found. At
the hearing, 
I
was not fined or otherwise penalized because I complied with the order
to relocate Gato. I was even allowed to speak in my defense. I presented
the above and even had the insolence to suggest that Scenario 2 was more
sanitary and safer for the public.
And the exchange with the Health Department Referee (HDR) went more or less:
HDR: But Mr. Corredor, it's the law!
Timo: Yes Sir, I am aware of that, but doesn't the law allow you to exercise common sense?
HDR: Felines carry and can transmit very harmful organisms.
Timo: So do rodents, especially when they decompose and maggots appear.
HDR: Mr. Corredor, it has been scientifically proven that cats are not a good deterrent for vermin and such. And we will verify your compliance with our order.
Who am I to question the experts? Scientists can show you proof that there is no way a bumble bee can fly - but the bee doesn't know that, so it flies. Well, my rodents don't know that Gato is a useless parasite and Gato doesn't know that he is supposed to be a good host. In my case it has worked and the inspector's file can prove it.
EPILOGUE
As promised, my esteemed inspector did pay a surprise visit about two weeks later. I am now quoting his entire report:
No cats found inside of restaurant.
No feeding of cats observed.
Three unopened cans of Friskies cat food were stored in the downstairs portion of the restaurant.
Now, that's what I call a conscientious, efficient job by a dedicated civil servant. Don't you feel much better now that you know how well the health officials are protecting you? So far, no repercussions about the cans of food. I wonder if the punishment would be different if we were dealing with say, Whiskas? Or Sheba?
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