Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.."
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when
another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever
in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was
allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a
'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, 'Watch
this.'
Recently, while researching material for the new No-GMOs section of the Timos site, I have learned a lot about Monsatan. One of the things I have noticed is their unique interpretation of certains words, acronyms and phrases in the English language. Following are a few of the definitions I have picked up.
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Most of us know about a certain tiger who was compelled to submit to sex rehab recently. Too early to know if that is going to work (I doubt it); if it does, maybe it would be a good thing for a bunch of catholic priests.
But now, I learned about something else that struck me so hard I just had to write about:
Now we have these "experts" working on "rehabilitating" a female wild tiger because she killed people who stole her cubs, I am not kidding! Go to the link: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/22/world/asia/22tigers.html?th&emc=th and read the NYT article.
Some of these schmexperts are isolating tigers so they "grow to fear humans again"; if I were a tiger, I think I would attack if I were scared, so I really don't like the idea of tigers fearing me. Plus I think a tiger's fear is inversely proportional to its hunger at the moment.
Those of us who have seen the numbers know that rehab does not work, except in very few isolated cases. It's just amazing to see the things people dream up to put their energy and resources to work, as if there were not a ton of more important issues we should all be working on.
If this rehab thing is any good, I can think of several much better candidates: cub thieves, members of Congress, bank, insurance and Big Pharma executhieves.
... it's all in a point of view!!
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked: 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines'.
No matter what language you speak or where you go, BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE IS ONE SMART WOMAN
Dear Big Pharma:
Your industry is truly amazing: your accomplishments include:
O.J. Simpson (OJ) dies and, of course, goes to Hell, where the Devil (D) himself is waiting for him at the reception. The following ensues:
D: Hey OJ, nice to see you, I've been waiting for you. But there's a little problem.
OJ: What is that?
D: Well, this goddammned recession. There's overcrowding here and, due to budget problems, I can't do the expansion I've been planning, so there's really no room for anymore guests. But I cannot turn you away because I would have a huge PR problem if the media find out. So, what I am going to do is let someone else go to make room for you but... I am going to give you a few different options from which you can choose, OK?
OJ: Sounds fair to me...
Now I am beginning to understand all these bailouts and other maneuvers the government is doing and that are going to save all our asses. I don't know who wrote this or when; it was emailed to me from Colombia. Read on...
It is August. In a small town on the South Coast of France, holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening. Everyone is heavily in debt.
Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a €100 note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.
The hotel owner takes the banknote in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes €100. The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt. The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay €100 for pigs he purchased some time ago.
The farmer triumphantly gives the €100 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit. The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she was owing the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients.
At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his €100 back and departs.
There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the small townspeople look optimistically towards their future.
If a modern version of the famous Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People were to appear, I am sure it would have a chapter on how to use your email list properly.
Some years ago, when I was still running my restaurant, I used to play the market. It was more or less a hobby, not a big time endeavor, but there was not one single year in which I didn't have some taxable income from that activity. The whole thing really boils down to establishing some kind of system and following it without letting your emotions influence the moves you make. But that's a subject for another post, which I will probably not be writing for a long time.
Anyone who is in the stock market has heard of Jim Cramer, his Mad Money TV show and his web site, 'thestreet.com'. Years ago, this guy used to be a sports coach somewhere and ended up becoming very well known in the Wall Street circles. He is one of today's gurus in stock market investing.
